This pastor's biggest fear. (And probably yours too)

I'll be honest. For the 6 years I have been in full time ministry I have rarely been fully transparent. And neither have most pastors in America. Why? Because then people would know how hopelessly jacked up I am. That can't happen can it? How could I possibly be effective in leading people if they know that I 'm a... ahem... **looks both ways to make sure no one is listening**... a SINNER. 

This has been the fear that has gripped me for the last six years. A fear that has led me to feel ashamed, isolated, depressed, hopeless, angry, and just all together bummed the frick out. Apparently I'm not the only one.

According to a New York Times study released in August 2010, Pastors are some of the most depressed, burnt out, stressed out people in America. Here are some stats and facts.

• 13% of active pastors are divorced.


• 23% have been fired or pressured to resign at least once in their careers.


• 25% don't know where to turn when they have a family or personal conflict or issue.


• 25% of pastors' wives see their husband's work schedule as a source of conflict.


• 33% felt burned out within their first five years of ministry.


• 33% say that being in ministry is an outright hazard to their family.


• 40% of pastors and 47% of spouses are suffering from burnout, frantic schedules, and/or unrealistic expectations.


• 45% of pastors' wives say the greatest danger to them and their family is physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual burnout.


• 45% of pastors say that they've experienced depression or burnout to the extent that they needed to take a leave of absence from ministry.


• 50% feel unable to meet the needs of the job.


• 52% of pastors say they and their spouses believe that being in pastoral ministry is hazardous to their family's well-being and health.


• 56% of pastors' wives say that they have no close friends.


• 57% would leave the pastorate if they had somewhere else to go or some other vocation they could do.


• 70% don't have any close friends.



• 75% report severe stress causing anguish, worry, bewilderment, anger, depression, fear, and alienation.


• 80% of pastors say they have insufficient time with their spouse.


• 80% believe that pastoral ministry affects their families negatively.


• 90% feel unqualified or poorly prepared for ministry.


• 90% work more than 50 hours a week.


• 94% feel under pressure to have a perfect family.


• 1,500 pastors leave their ministries each month due to burnout, conflict, or moral failure.


• Doctors, lawyers and clergy have the most problems with drug abuse, alcoholism and suicide.

I think I speak for us all when I say "womp, womp."

Now here is the real question: What would the reaction be if the comfortable shroud of anonymity was lifted from the statistics. How would your congregation react if they googled these stats and a picture of their pastor or youth pastor glowed before them on the screen? 

This is my biggest fear, and I think this has to be one of the biggest fears of pastors everywhere. I know in my own ministry career I have felt an enormous amount of pressure to project a version of myself that lives up to the pastor hype, but most of the time the projection is FAR from reality. I can't count how many times I have thought to myself, "If anyone ever finds out how truly jacked up I am, I'm out of a job." When you factor in the unspoken expectations perceived by most pastors to glide flawlessly through the day to day demands of ministry with a custom fitted halo, and the fact that our families depend on us to pull in a pay check, there is little room left for authenticity. We may sneak in a vulnerable moment from the pulpit when we are flanked on either side by Hillsong power ballads, but most of the time we are putting on the performance of a lifetime. I even know pastors who have walked away from ministry to pursue acting, and I can't blame them. Acting would be easier. At least when the director says "wrap" you can go back to being your self. Local church ministry as it exists in America is probably the best, or at least the most intense training ground around for Oscar hopefuls and budding broadway stars. Forget moving to LA and enrolling in improv classes, forget theatre school, just go to Bible College and get a BA in BS (double entendre intended) and start applying for jobs at a church. We have everything you need: a script, a setting, a plot, and an extremely critical audience built in to our every waking moment. 

I'm not trying to sound cynical, but its true. Pastors don't feel (at least in my own experience) that we are given the green light to be the royal messes that we actually are. Why not?  

I have spent countless nights tossing and turning through the nightmare of being outed as a sinner and being chased up a tower by a congregation turned pitchfork and torch toting mob, but I bet in most cases, the relief of knowing the truth about Pastors would roll down hill. 

What I mean is, Pastors aren't the only ones who know we are a mess most of the time, and feel an immense amount of pressure to hide it. If we were more honest about our struggles, sure we might have to field a couple (hundred) emails from Sammy and Sally McSlappy (you know who they are in your church) about how pastors aren't supposed to struggle with bla bla bla, but by and large I bet we would hear a collective sigh of relieve from our understudies in the audience if we would just turn off the projector and stand in our own skin as the scarlet-to-white-as-snow grace washed sinners that we are. Besides, all this effort to not disappoint anyone or be outed as a sinner is a gigantic exercise in the discipline of self-unawareness. That's what is so good about the cross. It already outed us. 

This is one of the reasons I love the Apostle Paul. He highlighted his own messy struggle with sin in order to magnify the saving power and all encompassing glory of Jesus. (See Romans 7:15 through... well just keep reading until you get the point.)After all, what communicates the gospel more clearly? "Hey I know Jesus and look how happy and put together I am and you can be too if you follow this acrostic" OR, "I am standing here before you a sinner who is hidden from wrath inside the righteousness of Christ. And if there is room for me, there is definitely room for y'all." 

Here is my advice from my own experience. If you feel completely thrashed by the pressures I'm talking about, follow these steps. (This will sting.)

1. Realize you are not alone. Ministry feels like an island, but there are thousands of men and women who are struggling along side of you. There is a lot of encouragement to be had in that fact alone.

2. Find an accountability group, bite the bullet, and then confess and repent. For me, nothing could be scarier, but nothing is more effective in dealing with my own sin struggles. Don't bear the burden of the sins that Jesus died to lift from you just because you don't want to let people down. Or worse yet, because you don't want to lose the reputation you built on pretending you are something you aren't.

3. Seek out counseling. Most churches offer a provision for pastors who need counseling, but even if your church doesn't, fork out the dough and do it. You need a safe place to deal with your mess. I didn't want to tap out myself, but then I remembered all that stuff Jesus said about humility and what not. 

4. Just be honest. If you get tarred and feathered, so be it. If we aren't being authentic in our roles as spiritual shepherds, than what's the point? 

Bottom Line: Follow the advice you gave the last ten people who came to you for help to overcome a sin in their life. 

So this is a call to all my fellow ministry workers to resolutely refuse to perpetuate the play acting that plagues Church culture in America, to be less stressed out about the mess that we are, and to shift our security away from our ability to perform, and toward our God's ability to ultimately save, commission, sanctify, and even like us. And if our God is for us... right?